WHAT THE HECK GIVES?(SPORTS) - Albany Times Union (Albany, NY)

Byline: Steve Campbell

You can have the real world.

You can have the bomb blasts, the traumatic trials, the pontificating about presidential private parts, the ranting over rent control.

You can have -- preferably in small doses, under the supervision of a physician or astrologist -- the drugs, the degradation, the crime, the chaos, the lechery, the lawsuits, the floods, the tornadoes, the calamities, the collapsing water slides, that infest the real world.

Reality bites, and it doesn't always bother to get a rabies shot first. Reality puts a cup of hot coffee between the legs, has a spill, sues because the coffee is too hot, and wins.

Some of us need a semblance of sanity. Some of us need a sanctuary, a place to go where nobody needs to know your name. Some of us need the kind of escape that is only possible in the sports world, where:

. . . New York Knicks rookie forward John Wallace has been arrested on charges he punched his girlfriend in the face and tried to choke her. According to 21-year-old Michelle Bolger, Wallace attacked her during an argument. About their two children. How nice. A couple of the '90s.

. . . Quarterback Jake Plummer, the Arizona Cardinals' second-round draft choice, has been charged with four counts of felony sexual abuse. Though Plummer reached out-of-court civil settlements with three women for his conduct at a nightclub, he faces up to eight years in prison. Jake the Snake, indeed.

. . . The Karsten Manufacturing Corp. has sued the Walt Disney Co. because of a film, tentatively entitled ``Mulan,'' that is scheduled for a 1998 release. Why? Because the film, which is based on an ancient Chinese tale about a woman warrior, has a character named Ping. And Karsten is the manufacturer of PING golf clubs. There is no word on whether the International Management Group, which fronts Tiger Woods, intends to sue Frosted Flakes for using Tony the Tiger as a spokesman.

. . . The NCAA has erased the UMass Minutemen's 1996 Final Four finish from the record books. UMass also forfeits $151,000 in NCAA tournament money because Marcus Camby, who made the 1997 NBA All-Rookie team, received gifts from an agent while under scholarship. According to an internal UMass investigation, Camby paid $28,000 to protect one agent from being killed by loan sharks.

. . . UCLA has forfeited its 1995 women's softball title and gone an a three-year probation. Tanya Harding -- no, not her -- went 17-1 for UCLA in '95, collecting all four of her team's victories in the national tournament. Harding didn't complete a single semester as a UCLA student, leaving after that championship season to join the Australian Olympic team. There is no evidence to suggest that Harding got a spot on the team because of a mysterious crowbar attack.

. . . Former Cy Young winner Denny McLain has been sentenced to eight years of prison and ordered to pay $2.5 million for stealing from the pension plan of a packing company. The company went bankrupt 18 months after McLain purchased it. McLain, the major leagues' last 30-game winner, is a two-time loser. He served 29 months for racketeering, extortion and drug dealing before an appeals court overturned that conviction.

. . . New York Yankees pitcher Dwight Gooden, who is still trying to prove he can keep his nose clean after a 20-month exile because of a cocaine addiction, admittedly punched out a cap driver during a recent road trip. It seems Gooden ventured to a Texas nightclub on the off chance that such a pilgrimmage would hasten his recovery from a hernia operation that has sidelined him this season. On the way back to the hotel from the Fantasy Ranch, the cab driver picked up a topless dancer from the same club, Lace, where former Yankees manager Billy Martin got into a 1988 fight. The cabbie insists Gooden, who is married with five children, propositioned the dancer. Gooden says it's a lie.

Upon arriving at his hotel, Gooden refused to pay his $4.20 fare. You read that correctly: $4.20. The cabbie followed Gooden to the fourth floor and put a hand on the pitcher's shoulder. Gooden, by his admission, started swinging away at the cabbie. ``This,'' an executive vice president for Yellow Cab said, ``doesn't happen very often to our drivers.''

At least, not in the real world. Steve Campbell's column appears four days a week. To reach him, call 454-5496.